diff --git a/hosts/lab/default.nix b/hosts/lab/default.nix
index 0434586..4cdd80a 100644
--- a/hosts/lab/default.nix
+++ b/hosts/lab/default.nix
@@ -9,13 +9,24 @@
     ../../modules/site.nix
     ./sites.nix
     ./fail2ban.nix
-    ./uptime-kuma.nix
     ./tinyauth.nix
     ./shlink.nix
     ./guestbook.nix
     ./telegram-alerts.nix
+    ../../modules/uptime
   ];
 
+  services.uptime = {
+    enable = true;
+    services = {
+      website = "https://ily.rs";
+      forgejo = "https://git.ily.rs";
+      foundry = "https://foundry.ily.rs";
+      wiki = "https://wiki.ily.rs";
+      penfield = "https://penfield.ily.rs";
+    };
+  };
+
   networking.hostName = "lab";
 
   services.openssh = {
diff --git a/hosts/lab/sites.nix b/hosts/lab/sites.nix
index 5f3ff92..bd40fd7 100644
--- a/hosts/lab/sites.nix
+++ b/hosts/lab/sites.nix
@@ -62,6 +62,13 @@ in
         reverse_proxy localhost:8123
       }
 
+      @status path /status
+      handle @status {
+        root * /var/lib/uptime
+        rewrite * /status.txt
+        file_server
+      }
+
       @site_file file {
         try_files {path} {path}/index.html
       }
diff --git a/hosts/lab/telegram-alerts.nix b/hosts/lab/telegram-alerts.nix
index fd3b600..417cc15 100644
--- a/hosts/lab/telegram-alerts.nix
+++ b/hosts/lab/telegram-alerts.nix
@@ -29,7 +29,6 @@ let
     "podman-dokuwiki"
     "podman-shlink"
     "podman-shlink-web-client"
-    "podman-uptime-kuma"
     "podman-tinyauth"
     "site-webhook"
   ];
diff --git a/hosts/lab/uptime-kuma.nix b/hosts/lab/uptime-kuma.nix
deleted file mode 100644
index 93e949f..0000000
--- a/hosts/lab/uptime-kuma.nix
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,27 +0,0 @@
-{ ... }:
-{
-  services.caddy.virtualHosts."status.ily.rs" = {
-    extraConfig = ''
-      reverse_proxy localhost:3001
-      encode zstd gzip
-    '';
-  };
-
-  services.caddy.virtualHosts."status.wynne.rs" = {
-    extraConfig = ''
-      redir https://status.ily.rs{uri} permanent
-    '';
-  };
-
-  virtualisation.oci-containers.containers.uptime-kuma = {
-    image = "louislam/uptime-kuma:2.2.1";
-    podman.user = "podman";
-    volumes = [
-      "/srv/uptime-kuma/data:/app/data"
-    ];
-    ports = [ "127.0.0.1:3001:3001" ];
-  };
-
-  # Workaround for NixOS/nixpkgs#410857 until backport of #475089 lands
-  systemd.services.podman-uptime-kuma.serviceConfig.Delegate = true;
-}
diff --git a/modules/uptime/default.nix b/modules/uptime/default.nix
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..10450ed
--- /dev/null
+++ b/modules/uptime/default.nix
@@ -0,0 +1,98 @@
+{ config, lib, pkgs, ... }:
+let
+  cfg = config.services.uptime;
+
+  servicesEnv = lib.concatStringsSep "\n"
+    (lib.mapAttrsToList (name: url: "${name} ${url}") cfg.services);
+
+  runScript = pkgs.writeShellApplication {
+    name = "uptime-run";
+    runtimeInputs = with pkgs; [ curl gawk coreutils ];
+    text = builtins.readFile ./run.sh;
+  };
+in
+{
+  options.services.uptime = {
+    enable = lib.mkEnableOption "minimal text-only uptime status page";
+
+    interval = lib.mkOption {
+      type = lib.types.str;
+      default = "5min";
+      description = "Probe interval, passed to the timer's OnUnitActiveSec.";
+    };
+
+    outputPath = lib.mkOption {
+      type = lib.types.str;
+      default = "/var/lib/uptime/status.txt";
+      description = ''
+        Path where the rendered status page is written.
+        Must be writable by the uptime user. The default lives inside the
+        unit's StateDirectory, which is created and owned automatically.
+      '';
+    };
+
+    services = lib.mkOption {
+      type = lib.types.attrsOf lib.types.str;
+      default = {};
+      example = { forgejo = "https://git.ily.rs"; };
+      description = "Map of service name to URL to probe.";
+    };
+
+    retentionDays = lib.mkOption {
+      type = lib.types.int;
+      default = 90;
+      description = "How many days of log entries to keep on disk.";
+    };
+
+    displayDays = lib.mkOption {
+      type = lib.types.int;
+      default = 30;
+      description = "How many days of history to render in the bar.";
+    };
+  };
+
+  config = lib.mkIf cfg.enable {
+    assertions = [{
+      assertion = cfg.displayDays <= cfg.retentionDays;
+      message = "services.uptime.displayDays (${toString cfg.displayDays}) must be <= retentionDays (${toString cfg.retentionDays}).";
+    }];
+
+    users.users.uptime = {
+      isSystemUser = true;
+      group = "uptime";
+      home = "/var/lib/uptime";
+    };
+    users.groups.uptime = {};
+
+    systemd.services.uptime = {
+      description = "Probe configured services and render the status page";
+      after = [ "network-online.target" ];
+      wants = [ "network-online.target" ];
+      environment = {
+        SERVICES = servicesEnv;
+        OUTPUT_PATH = cfg.outputPath;
+        RETENTION_DAYS = toString cfg.retentionDays;
+        DISPLAY_DAYS = toString cfg.displayDays;
+      };
+      serviceConfig = {
+        Type = "oneshot";
+        ExecStart = lib.getExe runScript;
+        User = "uptime";
+        Group = "uptime";
+        StateDirectory = "uptime";
+        StateDirectoryMode = "0755";
+        UMask = "0022";
+      };
+    };
+
+    systemd.timers.uptime = {
+      description = "Periodic uptime probe";
+      wantedBy = [ "timers.target" ];
+      timerConfig = {
+        OnBootSec = "1min";
+        OnUnitActiveSec = cfg.interval;
+        Unit = "uptime.service";
+      };
+    };
+  };
+}
diff --git a/modules/uptime/run.sh b/modules/uptime/run.sh
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4ba15a9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/modules/uptime/run.sh
@@ -0,0 +1,100 @@
+: "${SERVICES:?must be set}"
+: "${OUTPUT_PATH:?must be set}"
+: "${RETENTION_DAYS:?must be set}"
+: "${DISPLAY_DAYS:?must be set}"
+
+state_dir=$(dirname "$OUTPUT_PATH")
+mkdir -p "$state_dir"
+
+now=$(date -u +%s)
+retention_cutoff=$(( now - RETENTION_DAYS * 86400 ))
+
+# Probe each service and rotate its log.
+while IFS= read -r line; do
+  [ -z "$line" ] && continue
+  name=${line%% *}
+  url=${line#* }
+  log="$state_dir/$name.log"
+
+  code=$(curl -fsS --max-time 10 -o /dev/null -w '%{http_code}' "$url" 2>/dev/null || true)
+  if [ -z "$code" ] || [ "$code" = "000" ]; then
+    code="000"
+    up=0
+  elif [ "${code:0:1}" = "2" ] || [ "${code:0:1}" = "3" ]; then
+    up=1
+  else
+    up=0
+  fi
+  printf '%s %s %s\n' "$now" "$up" "$code" >> "$log"
+
+  awk -v cutoff="$retention_cutoff" '$1 >= cutoff' "$log" > "$log.tmp"
+  mv "$log.tmp" "$log"
+done <<< "$SERVICES"
+
+# Render. bucket_size and cell_count are parameters so we can add
+# hour/minute granularity rows later without restructuring the awk.
+render_row() {
+  local log_file="$1"
+  local now_arg="$2"
+  local bucket_size="$3"
+  local cells="$4"
+
+  if [ ! -s "$log_file" ]; then
+    local pad
+    pad=$(printf '%*s' "$cells" '' | tr ' ' '?')
+    printf '%s 0.0 unknown\n' "$pad"
+    return
+  fi
+
+  awk -v now="$now_arg" -v bucket="$bucket_size" -v cells="$cells" '
+    BEGIN {
+      bucket_origin = int(now / bucket) * bucket
+      window_start = bucket_origin - (cells - 1) * bucket
+      window_end = bucket_origin + bucket
+      last_ok = -1
+    }
+    {
+      ts = $1; ok = $2
+      if (ts >= window_start && ts < window_end) {
+        idx = int((ts - window_start) / bucket)
+        if (idx >= 0 && idx < cells) {
+          if (ok == 1) up[idx]++; else down[idx]++
+        }
+      }
+      last_ok = ok
+    }
+    END {
+      bar = ""; total_up = 0; total_all = 0
+      for (i = 0; i < cells; i++) {
+        u = (i in up) ? up[i] : 0
+        d = (i in down) ? down[i] : 0
+        if (u + d == 0)      bar = bar "?"
+        else if (d == 0)     bar = bar "#"
+        else if (u == 0)     bar = bar "_"
+        else                 bar = bar "."
+        total_up += u; total_all += u + d
+      }
+      pct = (total_all == 0) ? 0 : (100 * total_up / total_all)
+      state = (last_ok == 1) ? "up" : (last_ok == 0) ? "down" : "unknown"
+      printf "%s %.1f %s\n", bar, pct, state
+    }' "$log_file"
+}
+
+day_bucket=86400
+
+tmp="$OUTPUT_PATH.tmp"
+{
+  printf '# updated %s\n\n' "$(date -u -d "@$now" '+%Y-%m-%d %H:%M:%S UTC')"
+
+  while IFS= read -r line; do
+    [ -z "$line" ] && continue
+    name=${line%% *}
+    log="$state_dir/$name.log"
+    read -r bar pct state < <(render_row "$log" "$now" "$day_bucket" "$DISPLAY_DAYS")
+    printf '%-20s %s %-7s %5s%%\n' "$name" "$bar" "$state" "$pct"
+  done <<< "$SERVICES"
+
+  printf '\nlegend: # up   . degraded   _ down   ? no data\n'
+} > "$tmp"
+
+mv "$tmp" "$OUTPUT_PATH"